Everything is disappearing.
The person I thought I once was . . . is being shed.
I have discovered many things in my 48 years of existence.
I have discovered that the more solid I stand as “myself,” the more solid life stands as itself. And I will always come out on the losing side of this battle.
I have discovered that my insistences have produced many problems in my life.
I have discovered that life listens to no one. But for so many years, I listened to my Mind. And it set me on a collision course with life.
I have discovered that the less structural I have become, the less I attempt to make my life fit my imagined idea of it, and the more of “me” begins to disappear. And the easier life becomes.
I have discovered that we human beings have an enormous capacity for pain. Enormous pain is a price we are willing to pay satisfy the cravings of the Mind.
I have discovered that as moss hardens into rock, our thoughts, biases, proclivities, and desires harden into what we come to identify as “me.”
I have discovered that if this “me” is opened and dissected, it falls apart. There is nothing there. There is nothing there. There is nothing there. There is . . . nothing.
I have discovered that there is great ego in self-improvement.
I have discovered that resolving conflicts is yet another way to chase pleasure.
I have discovered that I do not want to “feel good.” I do not want everything to “be okay.” For I have realized that this is the calm before the storm. It is purely and simply, a setup.
I have discovered that I do not want misery. But I will not chase pleasure in order to remove it. Chasing pleasure to remove misery is like putting cologne on body odor. I have discovered that life is one step.
I am reminded of a discourse I wrote some time ago tilted One Step. One Life . . . I must re-read it. Yes . . . this is all there is. One step is all I have (http://bit.ly/2jThOPs)
I have discovered that when I want nothing, life becomes docile.
I have discovered that my children do not belong to me. And if I attempt to possess them, life will rage toward me, through them.
I have discovered that the things I have discovered are even more true than I thought. This has been a theme. I discover something. And as time goes on, the truth of that thing is even more true than I thought. It is almost as if I am seeing it for the first time. Discovery is very often, Re-discovery.
I have discovered that prescriptions are the downfall of man. This is one of the ideas that I am referring to in the previous passage. The very idea that doing something according to a certain method produces a lasting result is pure folly. It is thin ice, covered with a blanket of snow.
I have discovered that everything we as humans do is nothing more than an attempt to “feel good.” We are pleasure chasers. There is nothing wrong or right with this. I do not look at things in terms of right and wrong. I look at things in terms of Effective and Ineffective.
I have discovered that life is unforgiving. We get only one shot. We get only one shot at our children being 7, 12, and 14. We get only one shot at everything. You may think that we can return to the plate as many times as we wish. But understand, that each time we return to the plate, we do so as someone slightly different. As I said, we get only One Shot.
I have discovered that we rise or we fall in our own eyes. That no matter how big or small we may look to another, it is how our self views us that has the greatest impact upon us. The grammar correction inserted a blue line underneath “self views us.” The person who programmed this is under the illusion that most human beings are under. That we view our selves. I have discovered that it is the other way around. Our self views us. (The blue line has re-appeared).
I have discovered that I no longer wish to see myself as I speak. This is much more difficult to explain in a discourse than it is to explain in a deep and quiet conversation.
I have discovered that this world holds nothing for me. It is smoke and mirrors. It is a creation of the Mind. As is the one who seeks something from it.
I have discovered that my life is a steady retreat into the self. In doing so, I begin to live as that which I am, and shed that which I am not. Leaving is more effective than arriving.
I have discovered that I am most blissful when I write. I write what I am. I wish I could live within my writings. For me, it is the most peaceful and blissful corner of the world. To be lost in communion with my innermost realizations. And immersed in the tragedies of my innermost follies.
My younger son just came and gave me a hug and a kiss. For no reason at all. I lost myself in his embrace.
I have tears in my eyes.